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Friday, September 16th, 2005
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its been pretty much the whole summer since i last wrote here, but i figured that since the summer is coming to an end, now would be an opportune time to look back and reflect on it.
this summer was an interesting one, to say the least. i feel like i lived through several different summers in this four month period. in the beginning i was working a boring office job, sitting around and feeling like i was wasting away but also looking forward to what i hoped would be a fun, laidback summer. however, those aspirations quickly dissolved, when i suddenly found myself broke and unemployed. so ensued a period of uncertainty and a lot of self-doubt. finally, i found something to make me feel like i was worth something again. the internship in the city, although it was only 2 days a week, gave me something to do. not only was i physically occupied, but i found it mentally stimulating as well; i felt responsible and mature, that my life was starting to go somewhere. when that ended i enjoyed a brief and long-awaited, yet desperately needed, social life. i got out of this damn town in august, and had a lovely, relaxing vacation. then i came home and everything fell apart again. i found a job, yet i felt left behind when everyone left and moved on while i was stuck here. i must admit that i experienced some mental instability as a result of this, but now, as the summer is coming to a close, i am feeling much more optimistic. i've been busy, but i've also had free time; i made some money and i actually have something to look forward to now. it's ironic to think that it is only now, in the last month of summer, that i had some financial luck.
now i'm in the home stretch of summer, with five more days left until i finally leave for london. i'm realizing now that there is so much more left for me to do in preparation for the trip. the next few days are going to fly by, and i wish i had more time to relax. it still hasn't really hit me that i'm really, actually going to london. i think it's because this has been such a long time coming that it doesn't feel like it's really happening. i don't think its going to hit me until i board that plane. i also think that it doesn't feel like i'm leaving because really, there isn;t a whole lot here that i'm leaving behind me or that i'm going to miss. for once, it's nice not to have any attachments to break (and i mean that in the romantic sense). so that is the state of things in my life.
i'm contemplating opening this journal up to a public forum, but i have yet to make my final decision. i've played around with the idea of inviting people into my life, rather than being so private. the final debate, i think it comes down to, is whether i'm willing to subject myself to criticism and judgement.
who knows when i'll even post another entry here.
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Thursday, June 30th, 2005
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i've been meaning to write a little something in here, but i haven't really gotten around to it. i'm exhausted and about to get into bed (and it's still before 10 pm), but i thought i would just say that i love my internship. i wasn't sure how it was going to work out, but only two days in and i can honestly say that i enjoy it. i'm doing mostly odd jobs and busy work but i feel like i'm learning something at the same time. art is something that i enjoy and it's what i want to work with for the rest of my working career. all of the people i work with are nice and patient with me, which i was unsure of. they are a bit kooky, but i suppose that's what is expected in the art world. i also appreciate the fact that they don't treat me like an intern and entrust me with some responsibility. like today, i had to take a $25,000 murakami peice to another gallery to have it framed. i was so nervous because i had to walk over a mile in the rain through busy new york sidewalks carrying this valuable peice of art. overall, i'm appreciating this experience.
now if only my real, paying job would start...
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Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
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well things are FINALLY starting to look up for me. work officially starts a week from tomorrow, which means that i can go to my brother's graduation party and (more importantly) the get up kids show. i have one more week (kind of) to be free before i tie myself down for the rest of the summer.
besides moving forward with the job, i also got an internship at a pretty upscale art gallery in soho. its unpaid but it seems like its going to be a great experience, albeit a little imtimidating. i was really nervous during the interview and i was also a little late because i accidentally got on the express train instead of the local, but i guess i nailed the interview. i'll be there tuesdays and thursdays, 9:00-5:30. it sucks that i'm going to have to get up at 6 am twice a week in order to be there by 9 but its only twice a week.
i apologize for the lack of articulation (if thats even a word) in this entry, but my brain is tired. on a completely unrelated note, i've been working out fairly regularly and eating healthier food. that's an accomplishment in itself for me, but i can see the results already and i feel more confident about myself.
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whenever i watch tv shows or movies with romantic sub-plots, i can't seem to help feeling empty and alone. most of the time, i'm fine and these kinds of things don't bother me. but when i'm by myself watching these things, it reminds me how much better it is to be feeling something--ANYTHING--for someone, rather than feeling nothing at all.
i believe more and more every day that i'm doomed to be a hopeless romantic. i grow increasingly frustrated with being the girl who has it all, except for the one thing that will make her feel whole.
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i haven't had reason to write here in quite awhile. no one reads it (not to my knowledge) so i guess it doesn't matter. i don't even know why i'm apologizing even.
anyways. i got "let go" from the commerce bank job due to "budgeting concerns". since it's been a few hours, i've pretty much gotten over it. on the bright side, i get a few days off to go to the beach and hang out. but on the other hand, it kind of made me feel like i did something wrong. why was it me that had to go and not the other two guys? i'm not going to whine and bitch about it (mostly because i did that after work). maybe it's really a blessing in disguise and a better job will come along next week. hopefully i'll get something within the week.
to add insult to injury, i have to go back over there tomorrow to get my time card signed. i really don't want to show up there again, because it's just embarassing. if i'd just had my time card with me today i could have just "disappeared".
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i wish i had some kind of interesting anecdote or could provide some insight into my life, but as of late i've been working like all the time. and when i'm not working, i'm eating or sleeping. it's hard because when i'm not working, it seems like everyone ELSE is. i need a paycheck like you wouldn't believe. and some nice weather. i need to develop something of a life. or at least find something (or someONE) to look forward to.
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i finally got all of my grades back for the semester. i got three B+'s, an A-, and an A, which gives me a 3.544 GPA (!!!), which the best i've ever done. my cumulative GPA is now a 3.298, i wish i had a 3.3, i'm so close. i thought that i may have made dean's list but i think you have to have a 3.5 or higher for the entire year. hopefully i can keep things up next year.
i got my first job assignment from the temp agency, and they said that it will most likely be for the entire summer which gives me some peice of mind. i'll be working 40 hours a week, but i'll be making a ton of much-needed money. i'm kind of nervous because it's a real office job. they already warned me that it's going to be pretty demanding. hopefully it will go well.
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Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
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so i'm home. it's been pretty good. except for the fact that I'M DYING FOR MONEY. i have like, negative $5 right now. that temp agency BETTER have a job for me. mom and dad could probably spot me but i feel bad asking them because they already pay for so much. but i need money so bad.
or a boyfriend who will pay for everything. just kidding. sort of.
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i've been wondering lately: how does one come to grips with most likely never amounting to anything more than average? i'm afraid that i am doomed to be average. i'm good at some things, but nothing near distinguished and probably never will be.
we're all looking for our place in the sun, but i think that the reality of life is that most of us will never make it that far.
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TO THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY:
your job this summer, oh great garden state, is to give me a LIFE. because lord knows i really need one right now. it doesn't have to be anything special. thanks for your time.
liz
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a lot of the time, i wish that i was somewhere else than where i am at the moment. it goes beyond wishing i was home when i'm at school, and vice versa. i mean, somewhere completely different and new. sometimes i want to be in downtown manhattan or in brooklyn. or, maybe i'd like to try the west coast--california, oregon, or seattle. perhaps its the john irving novels, but i'd like to give new england a go. or even a city in the midwest, like in nebraska or wisconsin. i could see myself in a place like savannah or asheville, NC. even canada. or london.
everyday in college is a reminder of how much i want to get out and do and see bigger, better things than this. i don't that it is fordham necessarily. i think i would feel the same no matter where i was. graduation will be freedom.
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i've been feeling lately like there is something that i should say, something that i should be writing about something important in here. but i haven't really decided quite what that is. so i guess i'll just sum up some recent happenings.
things have pretty much been the status quo. i'm starting to look forward to coming home in a week and a half, but at the same time i want to stay here. i went to a party on friday night and it made me feel like (for once) that maybe there were some social opportunities here. however, any expectations or aspirations i may have for next year will have to wait until january, after london.
otherwise, the whole college thing is starting to wear me down. i'm actually doing pretty well this semester, but i can't help but look forward to when i am out of college. sometimes i just like being on my own a lot more than i like being with people.
on a lighter note, i'm not sick anymore. i have a lingering cough but nothing unbearable. however, i think i've developed arthritis in my right index finger. go figure.
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick the plague sick sick sick not feeling so hot work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work too much to do work work work work work work work work work sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick
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i came to the realization last night (whilst reading my psychology text book) that i am already showing signs, at the age of 20, indicating a future psychological condition(s). already my behaviors show the potential to become:
(a) avoidant personality disorder (especially with the opposite sex);
(b) compulsive hoarding;
(c) both (a) and (b).
depressing.
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Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
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this is going to sound so petty to write about. but i'm really sick and tired of myspace. it just reminds me continuously of how stupid people are, and how elitist they can be. when you act all tough and shit, or try to be "scene", it really just makes you look like an idiot. it all seems so juvenile to me, everyone looking for approval from others or trying to impress the opposite sex.
and to a lesser extent, it has made me realize that myspace can't solve my social problems, it won't get me new friends or a boyfriend. instead, i fell victim to the aforementioned pettiness of it. now, i feel less equipped to handle social situations and i can't help but feel that i'm being judged myself. which is partially my fault for putting myself out there, but also the fault of others for dwelling on that.
it was nice for awhile (last october/november), but now i can't help but feel that i screwed that whole business up too. why can't i be normal and still talk to him? instead i feel like he doesn't like me because he doesn't even talk to me anymore. and when i see him, i want to run the other way or duck behind a tree so he won't see me. i didn't even do anything. i'm just awkward.
i don;t know if that was a very cohesive tirade, but i feel better.
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Thursday, April 7th, 2005
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still feeling a bit chaotic. i find myself craving simplicity in all facets of my life.
on another note, i'm thinking that the dark hair is starting to suit me.
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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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| Time: | 12:15 am. |
| Mood: |  cranky. |
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right now, i'm feeling chaotic and stressed out over something that i don't know what it is. i just feel like screaming on the top of my lungs or something. i'm just irrationally angry about the world i guess. maybe it's just "that" time of the month. blah. that's all i have to say.
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motionparalax's journal
accomplished.
optimistic.
lonely.
disappointed.
frustrated.
pleased.
thoughtful.
hopeful.
restless.
giggly.